On the other hand, I am also feeling very confused. It is hard keeping this separate from the life everyone else sees. All I want to do is lose weight, it's all that's on my mind, and I can barely resist screaming it to the world. I try to keep up emails and Facebook stuff so that no one I know feels like I've changed, but I have. I don't care about them, all I think is how I need to lose another pound, go another step, avoid another meal.
I'm so different, I can't tell how they can look at me and listen to me and not see how tired their games are making me. I feel like they all must know what I'm doing, but maybe they don't care, or they're jealous, or maybe they all have always hated me and this is just the excuse they need to dump me like an empty water bottle in the gutter to be blown away without a trace of dust to follow me into oblivion. Speaking of oblivion, I want to sleep. I want to go crawl into bed and snuggle and feel safe, but my mind is in ultra hyper-drive, and keeps ticking, counting every bite I will be taking tomorrow and planning every step to burn the optimum number of calories.
Do I need to black out to get myself to shut down for the night? I don't even think I care anymore whether I sleep or wake. I will walk the realm of ghosts until dawn breaks and I need to get out of sight again.
Ignore my midnight ramblings if this is too off-balance of me. I get more odd ideas the later it gets.
2 comments:
oh god. This post resonated a lot with me.
When I got really really deep into my ED, I couldn't do anything but blog. I totally don't even know what to do with facebook anymore, and I don't really like to use AIM... I have to force myself to see my friends because all I'll be thinking about when I'm with them is that I'd rather be commenting or posting, and what kind of food am I going to have to be avoiding.
I hope it doesn't become that insidious for you. It's horrible. But you probably have a better head on your shoulders than I do. I'm a scattered, absent-minded mess!
All my support, and I'm definitely here for you :)
i know what you mean. i feel that way about my friends all the time. i just can see all their stupid games they play, and they just wear me out. Its like, i dont have time for this, I have weight to lose. I feel like they should know whats going on with me, without me telling them. Idk. I'm a bit fucked up too. haha. (excuse my french;)) stay strong.
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