I hope everyone us doing spectacular! I am planning on ringing in my New Year with a fast, hopefully to go until school starts again. I'd go back, in my cute new courderoy skirt and grey tights, bright dark blue tee with a flower and "LOVE" written on it--I think it would almost be a cute outfit. It would be a cute outfit, on a skinny waif I want so much to be like.
I'm working on it.
I bought this 2010 calender that has scenes from all over the world. There's Paris with the Eiffel Tower (is that how you spell it?) and there are pyramids and the Parthenon and so many other places I'd much rather be than here.
I am going to use that calender to chart out, day by day, how many calories I am aloud to eat and what the foods are that I will eat to meet those goals. I've been letting myself be controlled shamelessly by my weak mind recently, and I bet I've gained five lbs--even though I think I lost another half inch. My growing jeans say I'm shrinking but it just doesn't feel like it.
Anyway. I have come up with over 100 thinspo pics to put on my thinspo poster I'm making. Disguised as a fashion inspiration poster. It'll be a beauty poster I guess. All the things I want to be... Pretty thin confident skinny smart fairy-boned light nonexistent. I'll put it all on there.
My New Year's Resolutions (I just keep setting myself up for failure, every year, but I can't help it... I have Dreams):
~be thin (duh... This is at the top of 99% of all people's list)
~be a charming and adorable girl, abslutely the person everyone wants to be with all the time (I don't feel a need to be popular--just loved)
~be loved
~love everyone (ha, I already do... I just need to keep that up)
~get all As, even in History with that evil man for a teacher
~get rated a 1 in the OMEA state contest for my "Ave Maria" solo
~make the guy I like so much see how he so obviously likes me back, even if he does have a girlfriend.
So in a matter of hours these goals will be my dreams, these dreams my goals. I hope I can make them become reality. Particularly that first one, which shall undoubtedly control all the rest.
Happy New Year to everyone, please feel free to join me in my fast. Who knows where it will end? I'm leavig my calorie intake open for the week coming up, because I'm going to allow myself liquids. Soup, juice (sugar-free, low cal kind), diet soda, and water--also lettuce and celery if need be to help throw off the suspicious. Wish me luck! I love each and every one of you, so much! I can never understand, because I can't say I know anyone, but we're all connected for a reason....
<3 <3 <3
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Better
Ugh. I was right about that salt water flush being a complete mistake--I still feel pretty awful, cramps mainly. I know it's from that and not a period, because I think my periods have stopped for good.... It's been four or five months.
Anyway, I want to say first off how I am so so sorry for freaking about it. Nothing really happened but these cramps, and they aren't even that bad.
And I feel I ought to answer some comments.
My Quest: yes I'm definitely much better and I'm certain I'll be normal tomorrow. Thanks for the concern! :)
Nikki: haha, five stars for failure. It didn't even work out right. I am switching to laxatives as soon as I get out to the store!
CreativeEatsYou: I thought it was table salt too, but it was supposed to be sea salt--it still didn't work for me anyway. :P It was so vile.
Ana's Girl: no, it was not in any way your fault whatsoever, please don't think that! I was stupid, and I really did Google it. Condemn search engines, not yourself! Plus it works fine for plenty of other people, I am just probably way too messed up inside for anything to work right for me. :l
Dot: yes I am feeling better thank you, the worst seems to be over now. :)
I am so lucky to have everyone who cares about me, I can't say thanks enough.
This was just a quick little post to say I'm fine, and I'm trying to comment on blogs that my iPod has access to. Love everyone! Good night! (good morning?)
Anyway, I want to say first off how I am so so sorry for freaking about it. Nothing really happened but these cramps, and they aren't even that bad.
And I feel I ought to answer some comments.
My Quest: yes I'm definitely much better and I'm certain I'll be normal tomorrow. Thanks for the concern! :)
Nikki: haha, five stars for failure. It didn't even work out right. I am switching to laxatives as soon as I get out to the store!
CreativeEatsYou: I thought it was table salt too, but it was supposed to be sea salt--it still didn't work for me anyway. :P It was so vile.
Ana's Girl: no, it was not in any way your fault whatsoever, please don't think that! I was stupid, and I really did Google it. Condemn search engines, not yourself! Plus it works fine for plenty of other people, I am just probably way too messed up inside for anything to work right for me. :l
Dot: yes I am feeling better thank you, the worst seems to be over now. :)
I am so lucky to have everyone who cares about me, I can't say thanks enough.
This was just a quick little post to say I'm fine, and I'm trying to comment on blogs that my iPod has access to. Love everyone! Good night! (good morning?)
Monday, December 28, 2009
This Is What Death Is
I messed it all up. I went for a walk today, over half an hour in the freezing falling snow, hen I came home and ate. No one was even watching me except for my little sister, but I ate like a pig, I stuffed everything down my throat.
I only wanted it to go away. So I looked up fast ways to rid your system of food. I came up with laxatives and a salt water flush. Now I wish I'd had the guts to walk a mile to Kroger in the frozen shattered dark. But of course. Went with the quickest route.
I drank maybe a liter and a half of salty water. I used too much in the first glass, so I fixed I in the second. My stomach feels like someone hit the fast forward button on some laxatives. I can hardly breathe. So if I seriously do die, at least you'll all know how it's happened. I doubt I will though. I shall definitely be up the whole night again though, bu instead of enjoying a riveting novel, I will be in the bathroom puking or... Flushing my system, should the salt water flush work that way.
I was too full, but his couldn't wait. I drank it all I under a minute.
Does anyone know how long I'll be miserable for?
That potion was so foul. Juliet couldn't have drunk it, even to save herself from Paris. Not to save Romeo from Tybalt's ghost.
I never want to go through this again. I'm puttig a copy of this post in my mini thinspo book the second I can move without fear of being knotted and knifed and broken by my insdes. (At the moment I'm typing this on my iPod, no need to move except for a my thumbs.
Sorry if I'm freaking anyone out--I'm positive I will be back tomorrow apologizing for being such a whiner/failure, and for undoubtedly marring my blog with numerous grammatical errors.
To distract myself from the pain until the 45 minutes I think I have left between now and the results of my mistakes are up, I will answer some comments.
Everyone who wants a Wii Fit, I say go for it. :) They are pretty cool, plus tell you how many calories you've burned with each game/exercise you do. It also keeps a running total of all the minutes you've spent working and how many calories were burned in that time. I like the yoga best; and surprisingly, the Kung Fu is pretty great also. You burn 4-5 calories per minute! You burn way less for the yoga, but I find it way more fun. :)
Thanks to e everyone who encouraged me with my nine lbs lost, I really feel like it was something great rather than ok, because I have so much support. You're all the best, I couldn't ask for more! (And yes, you can use the dinner plate idea, it's not copyrighted. :P I'm pleased with myself that it works so well--besides tonight of course.)
Again, sorry I might hav brought anyone down with this post. :l I'm going to go on and post it though... because I already typed the whole thing....
PS: "Anonymous", who commented on my last post, thanks so much for your sweet words. :) if you start a blog, let me know, and I'll be a follower!!
I only wanted it to go away. So I looked up fast ways to rid your system of food. I came up with laxatives and a salt water flush. Now I wish I'd had the guts to walk a mile to Kroger in the frozen shattered dark. But of course. Went with the quickest route.
I drank maybe a liter and a half of salty water. I used too much in the first glass, so I fixed I in the second. My stomach feels like someone hit the fast forward button on some laxatives. I can hardly breathe. So if I seriously do die, at least you'll all know how it's happened. I doubt I will though. I shall definitely be up the whole night again though, bu instead of enjoying a riveting novel, I will be in the bathroom puking or... Flushing my system, should the salt water flush work that way.
I was too full, but his couldn't wait. I drank it all I under a minute.
Does anyone know how long I'll be miserable for?
That potion was so foul. Juliet couldn't have drunk it, even to save herself from Paris. Not to save Romeo from Tybalt's ghost.
I never want to go through this again. I'm puttig a copy of this post in my mini thinspo book the second I can move without fear of being knotted and knifed and broken by my insdes. (At the moment I'm typing this on my iPod, no need to move except for a my thumbs.
Sorry if I'm freaking anyone out--I'm positive I will be back tomorrow apologizing for being such a whiner/failure, and for undoubtedly marring my blog with numerous grammatical errors.
To distract myself from the pain until the 45 minutes I think I have left between now and the results of my mistakes are up, I will answer some comments.
Everyone who wants a Wii Fit, I say go for it. :) They are pretty cool, plus tell you how many calories you've burned with each game/exercise you do. It also keeps a running total of all the minutes you've spent working and how many calories were burned in that time. I like the yoga best; and surprisingly, the Kung Fu is pretty great also. You burn 4-5 calories per minute! You burn way less for the yoga, but I find it way more fun. :)
Thanks to e everyone who encouraged me with my nine lbs lost, I really feel like it was something great rather than ok, because I have so much support. You're all the best, I couldn't ask for more! (And yes, you can use the dinner plate idea, it's not copyrighted. :P I'm pleased with myself that it works so well--besides tonight of course.)
Again, sorry I might hav brought anyone down with this post. :l I'm going to go on and post it though... because I already typed the whole thing....
PS: "Anonymous", who commented on my last post, thanks so much for your sweet words. :) if you start a blog, let me know, and I'll be a follower!!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
New Post! It's a Miracle!
I've had two great revelations lately, and one piece of fantastic news to share. I'm really pleased with me for it!
Fantastic news first: since my last visit to the doctor, about two weeks ago or less (two Tuesdays ago actually) I have lost--NINE AND ONE QUARTER LBS!!!!!!!! :D
How amazing is that?? I walked a bit after seeing my weight that last visit, about three miles with a friend and then eight on my own two days later, then I thought my crazy holiday eating killed me, but the Wii Fit my parents bought for Christmas said I was over nine lbs lighter! I am still waaaay fat, but I am shocked at how quickly those pounds were gone. I've used the Wii Fit to set up a 23 minute workout, to help me on my goal of losing 5 lbs in a month. (Of course I hope to lose way more than that, but I don't want my family seeing how much I want to lose for real by accident.) My legs hurt from the sixty lunges I did yesterday, but I smile when they twinge when I walk--talk about sick. :)
Plus I get to do yoga, which is amazing! :D
And what's even the mos spectacular is that I am the only person in my family to be evaluated by the Wii at my correct age. I'm 16 in March, and it told be I was 16 now, based on my balance, breathing, weight and true age and a few other fitness concepts. It told my sister she was 26--she's 13--and my brother that he's 30--he's 17. Both of them figured it jus automatically added thirteen years. Well it only added a few months for me, take that! (Can you tell I have sibling and family issues? Haha.)
Now on to my revelations: first, I have found a way to do a thinspo book that is small/portable/unnoticed; second, I have come up with a new way to look like I eat more at dinner.
I have spent most of today and yesterday looking up original and unique thinspo I hadn't seen before. I used my iPod so no one will ever know--I'd post all the pics on here, but my iPod won let me do that. Whatever. Anyway, I'm working on emailing it all to myself (5 pics at a time, 80 some pics=a very very looonnnng process) and when I have it all, I'll copy it to a word document on the computer, and place all of it into a mini, pocket-size booklet. :) It's purple, and I'll have it wherever I go. No worries about losing it! Plus I am going to make a poster with some of my new favorite thinspo girls, focussing on Twiggy (her younger days, 60s-early 80s), Audrey Hepburn (from when she was in "My Fair Lady" and "Sabrina" pretty much), and Helena Bonham Carter (when she's not pregnant). The reasoning is that my mother loves Audrey Hepburn and Helena Carter, so she won't suspect much, and I'll say it's all for fashion inspiration. I even have plans to accent the photos with colorul patterns, flowers, beauty supplies et cetera to make it really believable. Just one giant poster, to remind me of everyhing I want and dream. It'll work.
And next, my brilliant idea about dinner. I've always been weird about how things should look, even food and the way closets/fridges/pantries are organized. So I have lately my arranging my food around my plate to look pretty rather than eat it.
The end result has been that I noticed how people DON'T notice my eating when it's arranged a certain way. Example: I take a serving of evrything on the table. But instead of making a singular little heap of whatever on my plate, I put peas in four, two-bite sized piles around my plate, at twelve three six and nine, if my plate were a clock. Then I rotate my plate and repeat that with all the other foods I have to take. If something can't be divided as easily, like soup or meat, I put it I. The middle to be eaten last.
I then go on to actually eat some of the food, eating the lowest calorie foods first. But it will always look like I eat some of everything because it's so divided up no one can tel. :) Some of you probably already do this, but I felt clever when I first thought of it anyway.
Hope that everything's going well for my 40 angels who follow and I shall be commenting on everyone's blogs in the nex few weeks, if I can at last get some time on a real computer. Love the world! <3
Fantastic news first: since my last visit to the doctor, about two weeks ago or less (two Tuesdays ago actually) I have lost--NINE AND ONE QUARTER LBS!!!!!!!! :D
How amazing is that?? I walked a bit after seeing my weight that last visit, about three miles with a friend and then eight on my own two days later, then I thought my crazy holiday eating killed me, but the Wii Fit my parents bought for Christmas said I was over nine lbs lighter! I am still waaaay fat, but I am shocked at how quickly those pounds were gone. I've used the Wii Fit to set up a 23 minute workout, to help me on my goal of losing 5 lbs in a month. (Of course I hope to lose way more than that, but I don't want my family seeing how much I want to lose for real by accident.) My legs hurt from the sixty lunges I did yesterday, but I smile when they twinge when I walk--talk about sick. :)
Plus I get to do yoga, which is amazing! :D
And what's even the mos spectacular is that I am the only person in my family to be evaluated by the Wii at my correct age. I'm 16 in March, and it told be I was 16 now, based on my balance, breathing, weight and true age and a few other fitness concepts. It told my sister she was 26--she's 13--and my brother that he's 30--he's 17. Both of them figured it jus automatically added thirteen years. Well it only added a few months for me, take that! (Can you tell I have sibling and family issues? Haha.)
Now on to my revelations: first, I have found a way to do a thinspo book that is small/portable/unnoticed; second, I have come up with a new way to look like I eat more at dinner.
I have spent most of today and yesterday looking up original and unique thinspo I hadn't seen before. I used my iPod so no one will ever know--I'd post all the pics on here, but my iPod won let me do that. Whatever. Anyway, I'm working on emailing it all to myself (5 pics at a time, 80 some pics=a very very looonnnng process) and when I have it all, I'll copy it to a word document on the computer, and place all of it into a mini, pocket-size booklet. :) It's purple, and I'll have it wherever I go. No worries about losing it! Plus I am going to make a poster with some of my new favorite thinspo girls, focussing on Twiggy (her younger days, 60s-early 80s), Audrey Hepburn (from when she was in "My Fair Lady" and "Sabrina" pretty much), and Helena Bonham Carter (when she's not pregnant). The reasoning is that my mother loves Audrey Hepburn and Helena Carter, so she won't suspect much, and I'll say it's all for fashion inspiration. I even have plans to accent the photos with colorul patterns, flowers, beauty supplies et cetera to make it really believable. Just one giant poster, to remind me of everyhing I want and dream. It'll work.
And next, my brilliant idea about dinner. I've always been weird about how things should look, even food and the way closets/fridges/pantries are organized. So I have lately my arranging my food around my plate to look pretty rather than eat it.
The end result has been that I noticed how people DON'T notice my eating when it's arranged a certain way. Example: I take a serving of evrything on the table. But instead of making a singular little heap of whatever on my plate, I put peas in four, two-bite sized piles around my plate, at twelve three six and nine, if my plate were a clock. Then I rotate my plate and repeat that with all the other foods I have to take. If something can't be divided as easily, like soup or meat, I put it I. The middle to be eaten last.
I then go on to actually eat some of the food, eating the lowest calorie foods first. But it will always look like I eat some of everything because it's so divided up no one can tel. :) Some of you probably already do this, but I felt clever when I first thought of it anyway.
Hope that everything's going well for my 40 angels who follow and I shall be commenting on everyone's blogs in the nex few weeks, if I can at last get some time on a real computer. Love the world! <3
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas
Yeah. It's Christmas and I'm lying in bed, typing away on my iPod and listening to my parents play Santa. They've been setting things up for over two hours now. Even though they said they couldn't afford that many gifts this year.
I'm so thirsty, but forbidden from going downstairs for a drink. Bathroom water is disgusting, and I despise those little paper cups. I don't want tree carcass in my water tonight, thanks very much. I'll dehydrate in peace.
More annoying than my thirst is how cold it is here. I should not b this cold unless it is going to snowsnowsnow like there is no tomorrow. Or like there's no today even! I love snow, miss it so much--haha, miss it SNOW much. Lame joke. :) I know you all laughed, for just a millisecond.
Buried under four blankets, may as well be buried in the arctic circle!
Tomorrow (or rather, this morning) is going to suck unless I can prove I am seriously too ill to eat, but not ill enough to prevent me from opening presents. Hmm. Stomach ache might work--I've used headache too often lately. I can't fake a fever for my life (ha, or else I'd be doing it right now to warm up!) and any diagnosis like a cold or migrane is too specific to work with m parents. I'll come up with something.
I don't even think this post has a point. I'll write again, say what I got and what will be exchanged and what I'll buy with my gift cards, etc etc.
Love you all, avoid the food! (I do mean allll of you, all 38 wonderul followers who I haven't said how much I do lllloooovvvve you all to recently, so here you are: I love my spectacular best friends! Stay lovely, I'll be with everyone in thoughts throughout the holiday! Happy New Year as well!)
I'm so thirsty, but forbidden from going downstairs for a drink. Bathroom water is disgusting, and I despise those little paper cups. I don't want tree carcass in my water tonight, thanks very much. I'll dehydrate in peace.
More annoying than my thirst is how cold it is here. I should not b this cold unless it is going to snowsnowsnow like there is no tomorrow. Or like there's no today even! I love snow, miss it so much--haha, miss it SNOW much. Lame joke. :) I know you all laughed, for just a millisecond.
Buried under four blankets, may as well be buried in the arctic circle!
Tomorrow (or rather, this morning) is going to suck unless I can prove I am seriously too ill to eat, but not ill enough to prevent me from opening presents. Hmm. Stomach ache might work--I've used headache too often lately. I can't fake a fever for my life (ha, or else I'd be doing it right now to warm up!) and any diagnosis like a cold or migrane is too specific to work with m parents. I'll come up with something.
I don't even think this post has a point. I'll write again, say what I got and what will be exchanged and what I'll buy with my gift cards, etc etc.
Love you all, avoid the food! (I do mean allll of you, all 38 wonderul followers who I haven't said how much I do lllloooovvvve you all to recently, so here you are: I love my spectacular best friends! Stay lovely, I'll be with everyone in thoughts throughout the holiday! Happy New Year as well!)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Too Late
Um. I tried... to get better... for a little while. That's embarrassing. I tried, because I hate me and don't know what to think anymore. But I came back to this... without trying.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I can't fight what I want to be anymore. I can't ignore that I hate hate hate food and family and friends and I really don't even want my two front teeth for Christmas, I just want to be thinner than anyone I have ever known.
It's too late.
Why did I ever want normality? Didn't I say myself... gosh, however long ago... that normality doesn't exist? (To prevent everyone for going looking for it: yes. Yes, I know for a fact I freaking did.) I tried eating. and eating. eating. eating.
It killed me.
I'm better now, back to being more me, back to resolving to post and count calories and take the pills, pop pop pop every morning while other children listen to their cereal bowls for snap-crackle-pop. They'll gain, I'll lose, but who's going to be better off tomorrow and the next day and the next? ME.
I'm stronger than ever, I am walking farther and farther away from all of that (that life, "real"/"fake"/pretend-lies-hate life) and I'm walking about three or four miles every day I can. I walked close to eight miles today, fast. Lots of loops and turns and seeing the house of L who I love and it's wrong but I do.
My friend won't walk with me. I think she finds excuses not to. But it's snowing and cold, how could she not see how far we could walk out there in the clean and crisp place, but never get tired? Only a twitching muscle in the back of my left knee tells me when it might be best to stop, but I don't. I walk farther and farther--then it trips me up, I stumble a little, then I come home.
It feels wonderful to be falling with hunger now. I need walls and hands to keep me up.
So why am I still so fat?
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I can't fight what I want to be anymore. I can't ignore that I hate hate hate food and family and friends and I really don't even want my two front teeth for Christmas, I just want to be thinner than anyone I have ever known.
It's too late.
Why did I ever want normality? Didn't I say myself... gosh, however long ago... that normality doesn't exist? (To prevent everyone for going looking for it: yes. Yes, I know for a fact I freaking did.) I tried eating. and eating. eating. eating.
It killed me.
I'm better now, back to being more me, back to resolving to post and count calories and take the pills, pop pop pop every morning while other children listen to their cereal bowls for snap-crackle-pop. They'll gain, I'll lose, but who's going to be better off tomorrow and the next day and the next? ME.
I'm stronger than ever, I am walking farther and farther away from all of that (that life, "real"/"fake"/pretend-lies-hate life) and I'm walking about three or four miles every day I can. I walked close to eight miles today, fast. Lots of loops and turns and seeing the house of L who I love and it's wrong but I do.
My friend won't walk with me. I think she finds excuses not to. But it's snowing and cold, how could she not see how far we could walk out there in the clean and crisp place, but never get tired? Only a twitching muscle in the back of my left knee tells me when it might be best to stop, but I don't. I walk farther and farther--then it trips me up, I stumble a little, then I come home.
It feels wonderful to be falling with hunger now. I need walls and hands to keep me up.
So why am I still so fat?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I Just Disgust Myself
I promise this post will have a good ending. I think so at any rate....
So from that title, you all can guess how the past two days have been.... Failure, utterly. Ugh I am too awful to waste words on--can't stand myself. So all I can promise is another fast. Maybe til Friday and then 400 calories on Saturday.... I don't know what's good anymore. I can't tell. I don't feel like eating, but then I do anyway and it's too much calorie-wise, I have no care anymore I just want all the weight to be gone, but my mind forces my hands to feed me. I must have gained three pounds and I think I had better just go for a walk.
Enough about me now. Gosh I hate hate hate me, I just think I'll post when I have good news and until then just know I'm alive (but not quite well) and I'm thinking of all of you, every minute. Love each and every one of you!
A random bit poetry before I go, that has just popped into my head:
How are you?
I'm charmed
I'm great
Spectacular lovely wonderful cheery
What's the matter, didn't you hear me?
I'm good
I'm great
Feeling swell, chipper bright nice
Ignore my fingers of ice
I'm doing excellent.
Life is fantastic
Life is oh so amazing
Life is easy, perfect truly miraculous
Plus this life is all mine--
Can't you hear me, won't you listen?
Don't worry, I'm just fine.
Alright, it's not my best work, but it's unedited and your the only ones to see it. So it's a little special to me anyway.
Good luck with whatever endevors you may persue before my return, I will comment on blogs I follow when I can!
So from that title, you all can guess how the past two days have been.... Failure, utterly. Ugh I am too awful to waste words on--can't stand myself. So all I can promise is another fast. Maybe til Friday and then 400 calories on Saturday.... I don't know what's good anymore. I can't tell. I don't feel like eating, but then I do anyway and it's too much calorie-wise, I have no care anymore I just want all the weight to be gone, but my mind forces my hands to feed me. I must have gained three pounds and I think I had better just go for a walk.
Enough about me now. Gosh I hate hate hate me, I just think I'll post when I have good news and until then just know I'm alive (but not quite well) and I'm thinking of all of you, every minute. Love each and every one of you!
A random bit poetry before I go, that has just popped into my head:
How are you?
I'm charmed
I'm great
Spectacular lovely wonderful cheery
What's the matter, didn't you hear me?
I'm good
I'm great
Feeling swell, chipper bright nice
Ignore my fingers of ice
I'm doing excellent.
Life is fantastic
Life is oh so amazing
Life is easy, perfect truly miraculous
Plus this life is all mine--
Can't you hear me, won't you listen?
Don't worry, I'm just fine.
Alright, it's not my best work, but it's unedited and your the only ones to see it. So it's a little special to me anyway.
Good luck with whatever endevors you may persue before my return, I will comment on blogs I follow when I can!
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