Ha, I Said I'd Be Back

I am such a pig pig PIG. All I think of is what I can eat, and when, and can I wait til no one's watching? I'm losing it. Losing my mind, gaining weight. No, I've not actually gained weight, but it's only a matter of time.


My aunt c, the last time I saw her said "Oh, you're looking so thin, what's your secret? You look good!" And all I think is how she's quite on the heavy side herself, so I look thin compared to her of COURSE, and why is my 50 year old aunt asking ME, a fifteen year old girl, for advice on how she should lose 40 years worth of weight? I can't tell her I avoid food.


Except because I'm crazy right now I DON'T avoid food, which makes me crazier, because I binge then berate myself and eat something tiny and hate hate hate my soul, and I just want to NEVER eat another bite again.


And I have to give up on applying to any private schools next year, which is super depressing, because my family cannot afford to pay a penny for tuition, applications, or even mailing a free full-scholarship writing portfolio. Grrrrr. Why can't life be half-way fair, just once?  Just because I work hard and want to be rewarded with good grades and a good school and size 00000 jeans. Just because everyone deserves a little compensation for how much life SUCKS every once in a while.


Why am I so awful and pathetic? I am ready to give up, but I never will. I take diet pills and advil with coffee about three mornings a week. I exercise okay, but now that band season is over for good, I'll be able to fit in more time for walks and reading and fun. I want to have a sleep over with my best friend (the back-stabber, the non-understanding, but still the best I have) so we can finally talk. I want L, the most perfect guy in the world except for his being a jerk occasionally, to look at me and love me. I want the world to stop spinning for a few calm breaths so I can move on with my life easier than when the world continually spirals out of control.


I get to pass out candy for Halloween tomorrow. It will be my goal to not eat all the candy as I hand it out.


I may be convincing a friend to come pierce my ear--the upper cartlidge of my left ear. Because I want to and it would be sooo cool. I wanted double piercings, but if I can get even on extra I'll be happy.


I love everyone! Good night! Be lovely! <3

Oh I'm just a terrible person.


I can't say much now. Maybe later? Everything is so confusing. I can't make sense of anything, though nothing's changed really. I don't eat breakfast or lunch, snacks are only pretend and dinner is as small as possible, but I haven't lost an ounce. I'm thinking I'll just cut out dinner entirely and eat only snacks.


I'm a tad erratic today. My mind is on the fritz and I can't think in straight lines.


I haven't posted anything in forever. I wouldn't blame anyone who's given up on me. I can't do anything with these people (my family) around me every second and I have never been alone for longer than seven minutes since my last post (yes, I kept track, I am sick to day and thus alone. I get sick too much. I don't care.) so this is my one chance to say anything.


I'm supposed to be in bed. I just want to sleep. My throat feels like sand, I have all the symptoms of the flu minus the vomiting--but plenty of nausea and vertigo, which feels just as bad. I have eaten less than 200-500 calories in the past 26 hours or so. I'm doing okay. So why haven't I lost any more weight?


I hate doctors. He said I don't have the flu. What DO I have then?


I'm sorry.


I love you all.


I'll stay strong. I'll read your blogs and comment if I can. I'm always here, but I can't always say anything I need to. I love everyone! Sorry I drifted out of the universe for a bit, but I'm back and will post as much as I can, even if it's only going to be when I'm sick. (Every other day I'm sick in flu season, it feels like.)


<3